I can text with my tongue
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
