we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
