I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
