I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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