I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
