he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
