Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
