she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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