Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
