i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
