seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
