I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
