i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize