I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
