When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
