so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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