who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
