3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
