well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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