Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
