Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Come on in and take your pants off
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