I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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