Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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