I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm having to shit out rocks
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