Jerry, you need to find god
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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