just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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