is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
