Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
