apparently the secret to your success is patron
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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