I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
