Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
