They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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