My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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