I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
