I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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