why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
