I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
