Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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