so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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