Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
