the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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