All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
