hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
