I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
