apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
