Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
