I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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