I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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