Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
even my farts smell like vagina
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
