Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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