So drunk its hurt
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
