I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize