i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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