I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
