her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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