A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
