it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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