If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
