Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
